As I do my usual browsing on
Pinterest, I bumped into this quote saying,
“I don’t like the memories because the tears come easily, and once
again I break my promise to myself for this day. It’s a constant battle. A war
between remembering and forgetting.”
I believe most, or almost all of
us had been, or currently being in this kind of moment, where we are struggling
between these two – remembering and forgetting. In other words, this is a
battle of either holding on or letting go.
Unfortunately, I am currently in
this kind of struggle, which was, you know, ever since I met this guy which I
admire secretly until this one day came when we began talking (or should I say,
chatting… - well, I guess that is the usual ice breaker nowadays..), until this
day that I was obliged to have the need to stop and just let go. But let me
tell you first the story, or should I say, my journey on loving him.
So I met this guy in August 2012,
when I was interviewed in my first job abroad. He was the one who had been
assigned to pick me up from this mall nearby the office, and the one who was
assigned again to send me home after the interview. I had to admit, he was born
good-looking and I did not even find it hard to eventually notice it. Plus the
fact that, we’re from the same home country. Everything went well. I got the
job (luckily), but I need to go back home for a month because I already
finished the two-month stay which my brother and sister originally paid for me.
So while on the way, I asked this guy if he also goes home every year for
vacation, and his answer was a “no”, and he told me that he did not go home for
quite some time now. And that’s it. That was when I made the hypothesis of him
being “single”, and that was the beginning of me having a “crush” on him. He
just dropped me to another mall where I needed to take a taxi to go back to my
sister’s place. And then he told me, if only I knew the direction of our house,
he will be dropping me there. That, I think, was my first ‘kilig’ moment with him.
I and one of my colleague had to go
to Kish for an exit requirement to forego with our visa processing. And lucky
to me, he was assigned again to send us to the airport. So he picked me up from
the house, and we went to their accommodation to pick up the other one. While
waiting, he bought me a bottled water, and that was my second ‘kilig’ moment with him (I still keep that
bottle actually).And when we came back from our exit, life begins for me officially.
It was weird ‘coz, it was my official first day at work, and I was waiting for the
bus to pick me up from the ‘meeting’ place I guess, and when I entered the bus,
I was assigned to sit beside him. I was so nervous that I did not know what to
say or how to say it. Later on, when I finally got back into this place and
began to work in this company, I also began on my research about “crushie”.
That was how I called him before. My research went well. I got a lot of
information about him – some of which were actually a research, some were given
to me by chance or maybe by luck, or maybe by destiny. I’m actually a believer
of fate or destiny and the signs that goes with it. I remember when I was
really “searching” for infos about him, like birthday or birthplace, and I was
too shy to ask my boss and colleagues about it coz if I ask, it’s like telling
the whole world that this guy got my attention. So this “research” thing, the
answers just came, like God had seen me to be very hardworking that He actually
did not want me to suffer much on my research, so “boom!”, I got the answers on
my own hands, when our PR Manager handed me his, well, passport. (All smiles
only…) There was this one night, while on my way home after work, I just
suddenly thought something. What if we are meant to be, and he’s the one for
me, I wondered how I would name our future angel. (Yeah, right, quite naughty
of me.) And then, another sign had been sent to me that same night, while I was
browsing my Facebook page, I saw something from my newsfeed – a baby named
“***k ****n” (sorry, I need to keep it private). And I was like “wow”. Sure God
was really telling me that I just found “the one”. Couldn’t remember exactly
how it went wrong, but maybe I was too shy of him, which I would rather choose
to not see him in the office.
And that’s it, we only talk about
work stuff, we never greeted each other ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ even we bumped into
each other. I was so serious, and he was the same I think. I was hearing
speculations that he has a girlfriend, and that he’s going to have a baby, and
that’s it - the ending of our chapter one. I actually had a boyfriend too that
time, and 2013 was not really for us.
Chapter Two began months after I
had this failed relationship with someone, which I found so hard to get over
with until the later part of the last quarter of the year. Quite crazy but I
also heard news about him and the girlfriend, that it did not went well too. So
the “crushie” thingy began again. I bought him a Christmas gift, and the only
way I can give him that without giving him the idea that I like him is to buy
gifts for my boss and the two other supervisors in the office. I gave it on 24th
of December, and that was my first time to see him smile. It was the best part
of my 2013. And it was New Years’ eve in 2014. I sent him a, of course, Happy
New Year greeting, and luckily, he greeted me back. And it was like the
happiest moment of my life. Not after the 2nd day of January 2014,
which was the ‘super-duper happiest” day of my 2014. He volunteered to wait for
me until I finish my work at 22:00hrs. And he sent me home, and that was the
first time that me and him talked inside the car like we were close friends. I
heard him laugh for the first time that night. And that was really nice. I
thought the happiness was over until I got his text message that he sent me a
Facebook request and he asked me to accept it. And this was another
heart-pumping moment for me. And later that night, and it was the 3rd
day of January, he asked if I have a crush on him, and I said yes. I guess it
was too obvious already that I cannot do anything to deny it. From there, we
chatted almost every weekend. But, when we’re in the office, both of us acted
as if we were not talking at all. And that was weird, actually.
I remembered when he was about to
go on vacation in April, it was his last day at the office, and I was about to
go home as well because my shift was over, I asked our bus driver to send me
home and the driver told me ‘ok’. Then, I got a call from ‘him’ that the driver
was busy so he will be sending me home instead. Then inside the car, he asked
me when am I planning to go on vacation, and I told him, maybe around September
or October. Then he asked me of what I want him to bring for me from the
Philippines when he comes back. And I was like, “well, it’s up to you”. And then
he told me that he will bring me pair slippers, because his family has a
slippers business in his hometown. And I was like, ‘ok’ (but of course, I got
too excited from that point in time and I waited for it until he comes back).
Before he went back from vacation, he sent me a Facebook message confirming my
shoe/feet size. And I was again like, ‘wow’. And when he finally came back, I
was expecting my slippers on his first day, but I got nothing. I did not ask as
well, because I did not want him to feel that I expected too much. And then the
next day, when I was talking on the phone, he entered into the office and I
just felt that he put something beside me, and then he went out right after,
and when I ended the call, I saw this ‘cutie-cutie” bag, with my slippers
inside and some dried mangoes. And not just a pair, but three pairs of
slippers. I was like, “OMG! I am the luckiest girl in the world…!!!!!
I got the chance to cook for him,
twice, and it was not just only a one-menu meal. Both are a complete meal, from
appetizer, main course and dessert (and not to mention “love”, which, actually
was the most important thing). He told me he liked the first one, but the
second, well, I should say that it was my first time to cook that stuff, so I
guess it was a very good excuse.
So time flew so fast, and nothing
special happened. In New Year 2015, I was doubtful to greet him ‘coz I wanted
him to greet me first. And thank God it happened around past 2:00hrs, 1st
January 2015, he called me via Skype. But unfortunately, I was still the one
who greeted him first right after I answered the call. It went well, I guess.
After that, nothing happened again.
Later part in January, when I got
in touch with him via Facebook messenger, I think it was a wrong timing as well
‘coz he was not in a good mood when we were talking (or should I say, he began
getting out of mood when he saw my name coming out of his chat box when he was
expecting someone else?!?). And that’s it! That was it. That was when he told
me that we’re better as friends, and that he was no longer ‘ok’ with
relationship stuff, etc. And from then, I did not send dim anything anymore.
Another heartbreaking moment was, when he was going on vacation middle in
March, and since I arranged his pay and passport stuff, he got irritated when I
had a hard time getting his salary and passport on time (well, it was not my
fault either…). And when he got his passport (thru my effort), and before he
left the office, I heard him saying goodbye to my colleague, and they even
laugh at each other. I was like… “what the f**k?!?” I was the one who had a
hard time there, and I did not receive even a simple ‘thank you’ from him,
rather, he chose to be rude to me?!? What was that?!?
And that was the go-signal which
I had been looking for, maybe for the past year to finally decide to deactivate
my Facebook account. We were friends there, and I did not also like the fact
that I need to ‘unfriend’ him from there. I chose to keep distant in the
Facebook world, and luckily, I was doing a great job.
Later in April, when he was about
to return from vacation, suddenly he popped a message via Skype. Just a simple “how’s
everything going?”, “how are you?” etc. Well, as usual, he was drunk that time,
so I guess he really remembers me only when he is drunk. I was a bit surprise, ‘coz
I was not expecting that at all. So after that call, at the back of my mind, I
asked myself why. Why this guy did that? Hello?!? I was currently on the
process of moving on from him and keeping a distance from him, and I just gave
into the trap that easy?!? What’s wrong with me? I should have just ignored the
message and did not respond at all.
Well, I think, that was really
the last, since from then, we never had the chance to talk again. I still feel
jealous whenever I saw him and my colleague talk so well, but I can say that staying
unaffected is the most mature thing that I can do with that.
Somehow, good memories still pops
on my mind and this is the time when hope and expectation arise again. The
moment when I felt that we were almost there – me into him, and he into me.
That moment when the only name I was hearing on TV and the rest of the world is
his name. That moment when I thought he could finally love again, and the lucky
girl is me. That was the painful part in the ‘remembering’ thing. On the other
side, bad memories were there too, to remind me to just move on and forget him.
Still on the process, but I can feel that I am almost there. Almost there. ©MDU05.06.15
