“War between remembering and forgetting…”

As I do my usual browsing on Pinterest, I bumped into this quote saying,

“I don’t like the memories because the tears come easily, and once again I break my promise to myself for this day. It’s a constant battle. A war between remembering and forgetting.”

I believe most, or almost all of us had been, or currently being in this kind of moment, where we are struggling between these two – remembering and forgetting. In other words, this is a battle of either holding on or letting go.

Unfortunately, I am currently in this kind of struggle, which was, you know, ever since I met this guy which I admire secretly until this one day came when we began talking (or should I say, chatting… - well, I guess that is the usual ice breaker nowadays..), until this day that I was obliged to have the need to stop and just let go. But let me tell you first the story, or should I say, my journey on loving him.

So I met this guy in August 2012, when I was interviewed in my first job abroad. He was the one who had been assigned to pick me up from this mall nearby the office, and the one who was assigned again to send me home after the interview. I had to admit, he was born good-looking and I did not even find it hard to eventually notice it. Plus the fact that, we’re from the same home country. Everything went well. I got the job (luckily), but I need to go back home for a month because I already finished the two-month stay which my brother and sister originally paid for me. So while on the way, I asked this guy if he also goes home every year for vacation, and his answer was a “no”, and he told me that he did not go home for quite some time now. And that’s it. That was when I made the hypothesis of him being “single”, and that was the beginning of me having a “crush” on him. He just dropped me to another mall where I needed to take a taxi to go back to my sister’s place. And then he told me, if only I knew the direction of our house, he will be dropping me there. That, I think, was my first ‘kilig’ moment with him.

I and one of my colleague had to go to Kish for an exit requirement to forego with our visa processing. And lucky to me, he was assigned again to send us to the airport. So he picked me up from the house, and we went to their accommodation to pick up the other one. While waiting, he bought me a bottled water, and that was my second ‘kilig’ moment with him (I still keep that bottle actually).And when we came back from our exit, life begins for me officially.

 It was weird ‘coz, it was my official  first day at work, and I was waiting for the bus to pick me up from the ‘meeting’ place I guess, and when I entered the bus, I was assigned to sit beside him. I was so nervous that I did not know what to say or how to say it. Later on, when I finally got back into this place and began to work in this company, I also began on my research about “crushie”. That was how I called him before. My research went well. I got a lot of information about him – some of which were actually a research, some were given to me by chance or maybe by luck, or maybe by destiny. I’m actually a believer of fate or destiny and the signs that goes with it. I remember when I was really “searching” for infos about him, like birthday or birthplace, and I was too shy to ask my boss and colleagues about it coz if I ask, it’s like telling the whole world that this guy got my attention. So this “research” thing, the answers just came, like God had seen me to be very hardworking that He actually did not want me to suffer much on my research, so “boom!”, I got the answers on my own hands, when our PR Manager handed me his, well, passport. (All smiles only…) There was this one night, while on my way home after work, I just suddenly thought something. What if we are meant to be, and he’s the one for me, I wondered how I would name our future angel. (Yeah, right, quite naughty of me.) And then, another sign had been sent to me that same night, while I was browsing my Facebook page, I saw something from my newsfeed – a baby named “***k ****n” (sorry, I need to keep it private). And I was like “wow”. Sure God was really telling me that I just found “the one”. Couldn’t remember exactly how it went wrong, but maybe I was too shy of him, which I would rather choose to not see him in the office.

And that’s it, we only talk about work stuff, we never greeted each other ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ even we bumped into each other. I was so serious, and he was the same I think. I was hearing speculations that he has a girlfriend, and that he’s going to have a baby, and that’s it - the ending of our chapter one. I actually had a boyfriend too that time, and 2013 was not really for us.

Chapter Two began months after I had this failed relationship with someone, which I found so hard to get over with until the later part of the last quarter of the year. Quite crazy but I also heard news about him and the girlfriend, that it did not went well too. So the “crushie” thingy began again. I bought him a Christmas gift, and the only way I can give him that without giving him the idea that I like him is to buy gifts for my boss and the two other supervisors in the office. I gave it on 24^th of December, and that was my first time to see him smile. It was the best part of my 2013. And it was New Years’ eve in 2014. I sent him a, of course, Happy New Year greeting, and luckily, he greeted me back. And it was like the happiest moment of my life. Not after the 2^nd day of January 2014, which was the ‘super-duper happiest” day of my 2014. He volunteered to wait for me until I finish my work at 22:00hrs. And he sent me home, and that was the first time that me and him talked inside the car like we were close friends. I heard him laugh for the first time that night. And that was really nice. I thought the happiness was over until I got his text message that he sent me a Facebook request and he asked me to accept it. And this was another heart-pumping moment for me. And later that night, and it was the 3^rd day of January, he asked if I have a crush on him, and I said yes. I guess it was too obvious already that I cannot do anything to deny it. From there, we chatted almost every weekend. But, when we’re in the office, both of us acted as if we were not talking at all. And that was weird, actually.

I remembered when he was about to go on vacation in April, it was his last day at the office, and I was about to go home as well because my shift was over, I asked our bus driver to send me home and the driver told me ‘ok’. Then, I got a call from ‘him’ that the driver was busy so he will be sending me home instead. Then inside the car, he asked me when am I planning to go on vacation, and I told him, maybe around September or October. Then he asked me of what I want him to bring for me from the Philippines when he comes back. And I was like, “well, it’s up to you”. And then he told me that he will bring me pair slippers, because his family has a slippers business in his hometown. And I was like, ‘ok’ (but of course, I got too excited from that point in time and I waited for it until he comes back). Before he went back from vacation, he sent me a Facebook message confirming my shoe/feet size. And I was again like, ‘wow’. And when he finally came back, I was expecting my slippers on his first day, but I got nothing. I did not ask as well, because I did not want him to feel that I expected too much. And then the next day, when I was talking on the phone, he entered into the office and I just felt that he put something beside me, and then he went out right after, and when I ended the call, I saw this ‘cutie-cutie” bag, with my slippers inside and some dried mangoes. And not just a pair, but three pairs of slippers. I was like, “OMG! I am the luckiest girl in the world…!!!!!

I got the chance to cook for him, twice, and it was not just only a one-menu meal. Both are a complete meal, from appetizer, main course and dessert (and not to mention “love”, which, actually was the most important thing). He told me he liked the first one, but the second, well, I should say that it was my first time to cook that stuff, so I guess it was a very good excuse.

So time flew so fast, and nothing special happened. In New Year 2015, I was doubtful to greet him ‘coz I wanted him to greet me first. And thank God it happened around past 2:00hrs, 1^st January 2015, he called me via Skype. But unfortunately, I was still the one who greeted him first right after I answered the call. It went well, I guess. After that, nothing happened again.

Later part in January, when I got in touch with him via Facebook messenger, I think it was a wrong timing as well ‘coz he was not in a good mood when we were talking (or should I say, he began getting out of mood when he saw my name coming out of his chat box when he was expecting someone else?!?). And that’s it! That was it. That was when he told me that we’re better as friends, and that he was no longer ‘ok’ with relationship stuff, etc. And from then, I did not send dim anything anymore. Another heartbreaking moment was, when he was going on vacation middle in March, and since I arranged his pay and passport stuff, he got irritated when I had a hard time getting his salary and passport on time (well, it was not my fault either…). And when he got his passport (thru my effort), and before he left the office, I heard him saying goodbye to my colleague, and they even laugh at each other. I was like… “what the f**k?!?” I was the one who had a hard time there, and I did not receive even a simple ‘thank you’ from him, rather, he chose to be rude to me?!? What was that?!?

And that was the go-signal which I had been looking for, maybe for the past year to finally decide to deactivate my Facebook account. We were friends there, and I did not also like the fact that I need to ‘unfriend’ him from there. I chose to keep distant in the Facebook world, and luckily, I was doing a great job.

Later in April, when he was about to return from vacation, suddenly he popped a message via Skype. Just a simple “how’s everything going?”, “how are you?” etc. Well, as usual, he was drunk that time, so I guess he really remembers me only when he is drunk. I was a bit surprise, ‘coz I was not expecting that at all. So after that call, at the back of my mind, I asked myself why. Why this guy did that? Hello?!? I was currently on the process of moving on from him and keeping a distance from him, and I just gave into the trap that easy?!? What’s wrong with me? I should have just ignored the message and did not respond at all.

Well, I think, that was really the last, since from then, we never had the chance to talk again. I still feel jealous whenever I saw him and my colleague talk so well, but I can say that staying unaffected is the most mature thing that I can do with that.

Somehow, good memories still pops on my mind and this is the time when hope and expectation arise again. The moment when I felt that we were almost there – me into him, and he into me. That moment when the only name I was hearing on TV and the rest of the world is his name. That moment when I thought he could finally love again, and the lucky girl is me. That was the painful part in the ‘remembering’ thing. On the other side, bad memories were there too, to remind me to just move on and forget him. Still on the process, but I can feel that I am almost there. Almost there. ©MDU05.06.15

It's ok not to be ok...

Weekend's over. A happy weekend's over. Maybe that is really the irony of life sometimes. If it's too happy at one end, it will be too sad on the other side. And that is why I feel sad after this joyful weekend of ours. Felt alone as usual. And tired. (sigh...)

A Letter to My Chinito & Suplado Love

It's been over a month, since you rejected my love. But Nope! I can't... I can just make some space between us, but I can't make myself stop in loving you. Even if you wish me to..

I just can't especially that I began to unconditionally love you.. Every day I am hurting, everyday I get jealous.. But I am trying to be as brave as I can not to show off.. No matter what I feel, it's still my choice to love you. I can't blame anyone for how I feel. I can't blame you. It was me who wanted to love you.

I can stay in silence if you don't want to feel my presence. How I wish I can make myself invisible so you won't see me, if that irritates you in any way.

I can pretend not to hear anything, just not to get affected.

Somehow, I have this feeling and I still hold on to my belief that our story does not end there. It still continues, but maybe this time, it has to continue in part ways, for us to grow and be ready when its time.

The pain, they all passed and forgotten.

But the love I have for you, it grows every day. So how can I even kill something that grows naturally?

I love you not only because you're cute (pero super bonus na yun).

I love you because I still believe that you still deserve to be loved kahit na suplado ka most of the time. I believe that you can still offer love, you're just afraid to try.

I can wait.

Maybe, if the time comes na malaman ko na you will settle na, I will be happy na din even if it's not with me. At least you believed in love again. Something na kinalimutan mo ng matagal.

But of course, I would be happier if I will be the lucky girl. (In my dreams na lang siguro yun).

At kung mangyari yun, let's see. Maybe, if it happens, that will be the only time na I will try to stop loving you.

But for now, let me love you. Kahit sa malayo lang...

MDU27.02.15

Blogger Starter

Pag writer pala, nahihirapan din mag-isip ng title ng sinusulat. Isa pang mahirap, yung kung pano sisimulan yung mga topics or stories na umiikot sa isip nya. Yes, I'm a writer, but not a professional writer nor a paid writer. I'm a writer of my own story. Whenever I have lots of thoughts running inside my head, I wanna write it down. The paper and the pen became my first readers, and quiet listeners too. But in this case, it was Asus and me. So, the reason why I'm here now is that - I had a very good conversation with a very good and trusted friend. And there I realized that for a conversation to be good and helping, a person must realize the difference of what he/she feels before starting the long-talk, to what he/she feels after. Just what I did. Nung una kasi, ang bigat talaga ng pakiramdam ko. Siguro, dahil na din sa dami ng mga iniisip ko, mga worries, doubts, etc. But at the end of the conversation, I felt so relieved. Kahit pano, gumaan yung buhay ko. May naging direksyon yung mga plans ko na hindi ko magawa dahil lagi na lang akong 'what if ganito, what if ganyan'. There are times, masusubok talaga yung pagiging isang mabuting tao natin. Parang surprise quiz nung estudyante ako. Tinetest kung hanggang san yung alam mo, hanggang san yung kaya mo, or kahit yung simpleng, anong mga kaya mong gawin para lang pumasa sa isang exam na hindi mo man lang nabuklat kahit isang page ng notes mo dahil surprise nga. Kasali sa pagiging mabuting tao ang patience - sa lahat ng bagay, sa lahat ng klase ng tao. Tandaan mo, lahat pwedeng magbago. Ewan ko lang ba kung bakit, minsan, may mga tao talagang hindi man lang mag-effort magbago para sa mabuti, laging sa pasama. Kung ikaw, effort na effort baguhin yung mga mali sayo, sila naman, wa-epek. Pinagkatiwalaan mo sila, pero nagawa ka pa rin saksakin sa likod. Inaamin ko naman, may mga chances na nagiging evil ako, hindi lang dalawa kundi milyong sungay pa. Hindi ko idedeny yun. Dahil yun ang nararamdaman ko. Yun ang nasa isip ko. Sinasabi ko lang dahil alam kong nasa tama ako at sila ang nagkamali. Ang naging mali ko lang, mali pala ako ng pinagsabihan, ng pinagkatiwalaan. Pero sabi nga diba, 'don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you'. So kahit saksakin pa rin tayo sa likod, yakapin pa rin natin sila ng may pagmamahal. Yun ang choice nating gawin, kasi we prefer to change. Well, that's what they are. Pero malay natin, habang may buhay, may pag-asa naman diba. So, isang araw, baka magbago din sila para sa mabuti. Pero sabi nga ni mother at ni kuya, wag basta basta magtiwala. Kahit nga kapatid mo na, kadugo mo na, ginagago kapa din. What more pa kung di naman kayo related. Well in my case naman, super bilis ko magbigay ng trust. Kung tingin ko mabait ka, then go, buddy buddy na tayo. Lahat ng mga importante at nakakaimbyernang events sa buhay ko since birth, ikukwento ko na sayo. Pero once na sirain mo yun, wag mo asahang magiging gaya pa rin ng dati ang relasyon nating dalawa. Pero, in my case kasi, madali lang ako magpatawad. Nagkakamali din ako, dumadating din ako sa point na ako ang dapat humingi ng sorry. Pag alam kong may nagawa or nasabi akong di maganda, in any way, i'll ask and pursue for forgiveness. But I also reserve the fact and their right not to forget what I did wrong. Simpleng sorry, ok na yun. Di mo na kelangan mag-promise ng kung ano ano para lang mapatawad ka. Hindi naman ako madamot, kaya kong patawarin ka, kahit ilang milyong beses pa, pero gaya nga ng isang napakaganda at napakamahal na figurine, kapag nabasag, kahit lagyan mo ng mighty bond, considered sira pa din, at di na perfect, mababa na ang value. But then, dahil nga kelangan nating suklian ng kabutihan ang mga kagaguhan nila, forgive and forget pa din tayo. Hindi dahil panalo sila at talo tayo, kundi dahil, mahal natin sila, kaya dapat tanggapin natin kung ano sila, nega man yan o perfection. Sabi nga, ‘don’t look at them for what they are not, just look at them for what they are, and accept it-with all your heart. Still, be good to them, and love them, even if they don’t do the same thing upon you. Keep on believing that they still have the goodness on them. Remember the times that they had helped you, the times they made you happy and proud. And most importantly, learn. Walang away if we stay honest in everything we think, and feel. If galit tayo sa isang tao, let’s try saying it to him/her, face-to-face. Para naman both parties can express and tell what is wrong, para naman, magkaintindihan agad, at magkapatawaran. Hindi yung padadaanin pa natin sa iba, mas mapapahamak pala tayo. Let’s be honest everyone, basta walang pisikalan at harsh words.

Sa kabilang dako naman, kahit todo sa pag-eemote yung utak ko because of the negative vibes sa paligid nya, nagawa pa ring mag-emote ng puso ko. Kahit pagdating sa love, these two often fight, still, pareho silang emotera. So ano nga ulit sabi sa cover photo ko sa facebook? Heart vs Brain – it’s always a tough battle. Pero, let’s put it this way. The heart represents your undying love, while your brain represents you. So, it’s really a battle between yourself and your uncontrollable and overflowing feelings and emotions. Mahirap nga namang makaget-over sa heartbreak. Kahit ako, tanungin ako ng ‘bakit nga ba?’, hindi ko din kayang sagutin. Dapat kasi, isama na sa curriculum sa school ang love subject, yung tipong, ‘how to mend and heal a broken heart?’, or yung simpleng ‘what are the easiest way to move on?’. Well, siguro, lahat ng makaka-relate sa subject, uno ang marka sa classcard. Pero, bakit nga ba may mga swerte sa love, tapos ako naman, malas. Is there really such thing as lucky and unlucky when it comes to love? Or mapili lang talaga ako. Naku, sabi pa naman ng matatanda, ang taong pili ng pili, nauuwi sa bungi. I can’t even imagine if that happens to me. Baka, mas gustuhin ko pa maging single na lang forever. Pero, hindi naman ako required mahalin ang isang taong mahal ako, pero diko naman mahal at gusto diba, same as hindi ko din dapat i-require ang isang taong mahal at gusto ko to love and like me back. Siguro hindi lang talaga acceptable yung hindi equal yung binibigay at tinatangap. Kumbaga sa accounting, debit must always equal credit, and vice versa. Maybe, I can’t really make the choice, but God can. So, prayers are the keys. Just always pray, ika nga. Nakukuha naman yan sa santong dasalan. Sabi nga nung friend ko, ‘if we really love somebody, set him free. If he comes back to you, then you are meant to be.’ Sige na nga. Let go kung let go. Parang yahoo mail ko. Nahirapan ako i-let go sya nung na-hack sya (yes it was, unfortunately), but then I realized, my new e-mail now is quite more exciting than my previous one. So, if it really doesn’t work in love right now, maybe in the next chapter, it will be. Sabi nga ni Maya sa Be careful with my heart, sa bawat nagsasarang pintuan, may bubukas na bagong pinto. At kung magsara ulit yung bagong pinto, asahan mong may bintana naman, at kung sarado naman yung bintana, madali na lang butasin yung bintana. O diba, how inspiring and relieving ng mga words of wisdom nya.

Hehe, sige, next time ulit ;P